Journal Entry 1.10 J.T. A New Beginning

February 28, 2023

Windenburg,

I have made my mark in Windenburg.

I have been in love, out of love, and in love again,

and then I have been rewarded with the most beautiful gift of all;

I feel as though I have lived through a lot in Windenburg,

yet, I have only been here for three years.

And the events that took place since I last wrote in your pages dear journal, have changed my life completely.

Let me go back to November of 2021, when Matthew and I started giving love a try once again:

Matthew came to visit me.

He said he had come before but saw me with Michael and got the picture he would not be welcomed.

However, he felt compelled to come again, and so he did.

**Matthew – “Hello Jade, how are you?”**
***Jade – “I’m doing okay, why are you here?”***

*Matthew – “I wanted to talk to you. Can we talk?”*
*Jade – “I’m not sure. It depends on what you want to talk about.”*

***Jade – “I don’t think we have any pending conversations, or discussions about anything.”***

*Matthew – “I think we do. I, at least, feel like we do and I would like for you to hear me out. Plus is a bit chilly outside, won’t you let me in?”*
*Jade – “Fine.”*

That’s when I told him I was not with Michael anymore. I think I saw relief on his face. That only made me more angry.

*Jade – “I can’t think of any reason why you feel we have anything to talk about, but since we are inside now, do you want some water? Coffee?”*
*Matthew – “No thank you.”*
***Jade – “Well, then… I’m waiting.”***

Still, I was too tired to argue and allowed him in and we had a long talk.

*Jade – “Cat got your tongue?*
*Matthew – “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I left you.”*
***Matthew – “Oh no, we aren’t having this conversation.”***

***Matthew – “Okay, how about we skip the talk and we just start dating?”***

He explained how on that day we shared together, he had realized how much he loved me.

He said he couldn’t be with me then, but didn’t give me details of why.

***Jade – “What is the matter with you? Are you drunk? Is this your idea of a joke? Because I am not in the mood for it.”***

Details. Details.

*Jade – “I hope you explain yourself better than this, you aren’t making ANY sense!”*
*Matthew– “Jade stop screaming, just hear me out.”*

I did confront him. I wanted details to convince me of what he was saying.

*Jade – “Matthew you can’t just come here after a year and expect me to still have any feelings for you!”*
*Matthew– “Yes I do!”*

I could not trust him anymore than I trusted Michael at this point. I felt it was his fault that I had rebounced with Michael, him leaving me without so much of a goodbye.

*Matthew – “I do expect you to have feelings, as I have feelings for you. I have had feelings all along.”*
*Jade – “And now is when you tell me this?”*

There was a lot to be said really. He was right, a lot needed to be explained, this was not something that could be brush under the rug and over with.

***Matthew – “I don’t believe there is any better time than now to tell you this.”***

In that moment I realized my feelings for Matthew had not completely changed, it was all just bottled up inside me.

*Jade – “Really? How about last year when you left without a word? It would have helped greatly.”*
*Matthew – “Jade, last year is already past, I let an opportunity go then, but believe me…”*

Buried everything I felt while with Michael. But I could no longer hold back, I had to let Matthew know how much he had hurt me.

***Matthew – “I always did love you. I couldn’t tell you then…*** ***I wouldn’t tell you, I refused to tell you.”***

**Matthew – “My life Jade, it was not mine to make of it what I wanted. I was not planning falling for you, but I did, and telling you was not right. I would have been selfish and** ***irresponsible…***

***Matthew – “But I can tell you now. I only wish your love for me would have been stronger.”***

Matthew told me he loves me, he loved me then, and he loves me now; and even without all the details that were so important to me, I believed him.

***Jade – “You say all of that and what proof do I have? How can I trust you when you left without saying a word?”***

I allowed him to come back into my life. I was the only one to blame.

***Jade – “Matthew!! How can you blame me for not having a stronger love for you?***

**Jade – “What kind of** gas-lighting is this? Then, I was showing nothing but my love, and you left; now you come back and because I am giving myself respect you want to turn the tables on me? As if love was a switch that I can just turn off and on whenever I please?”

**Jade – “You are the most arrogant, selfish man I have ever met. After my father, that is.”**

**Jade – “I hate you! I hate you Matthew!”**

**Jade – “I really hate you. I wish I would have never met you.”**

Matthew kissed me. It had been the first time that Matthew had ever kissed me. As I remember it, I had always kissed him first.

We kissed and afterwards… well, you know. It was all so natural. Like it was meant to be.

A month later I was pregnant.

Obviously it was Matthew’s, and I knew it clearly.

I wished it more than anything.

***Jade – “Matt I have big news. We’re going to be parents!”***

Though I was not sure if he would believe me as he knew very well of my past relationship with Michael and that we had been together not long before that day Matthew came to the house to profess his love.

**Matthew – “Parents? You’re pregnant?”**

***Jade – “Yes, how do you feel about it?”***

**I’m going to be a father – Matthew’s thoughts**

**Matthew – “We have to get married now.”**

I could not be more wrong. My fears were quickly replaced with reassurance that life with Matthew would be – though at times most likely dramatic – full of pleasant surprises.

In February of 2022 he proposed… officially.

***Matthew – “So are we getting married for real now? You are not going to turn off the switch?”***

***Jade – “Oh! We are getting VERY married.”***

***Jade – “How about a wedding in fall? After we have the baby?”***
***Matthew – “No. I want to get married now.”***

Matthew – “How about tomorrow? Let’s just go and sign the paper.”
***Jade – “Okay, we can have a shotgun wedding, but I’m still buying a dress so you better wait until next month at least.”***

The wedding would not be until April. Exactly two months after he had proposed.

I was adamant to marry with a white gown; I didn’t care about having guests, much less bridesmaids nor any of the things that are so traditional of weddings.

My only wish – aside from having a white gown – was that my father was still alive to walk me down the isle.

We got married in the same place we fell in love.

Okay, so I was instantly smitten with Matthew at the coffee shop that first time I saw him, but what I mean is… the first time we both felt strong feelings for each other mutually.

Although Matthew kept his hidden,

but, I have already touched on that.

The truth is, my journal, my dearest and most wonderful companion throughout my early years in Windenburg… the truth is, I never really said much of my feelings to Matthew either.

Yes I expressed myself more openly, but at the same time I was reckless and naive.

I didn’t much care for his feelings as much as I just cared to acknowledge mine.