Journal Entry 1.3 J.T. He Loves Me; He Loves Me Not.

Feb 29, 2020

Jade – “Excuse me…”

I guess coming to write in this journal every night is just not going to happen. I get it… if you are reading… whoever you are… you want to know every detail of my life; yet, I wish I could live life without all those details.

Mathew, or Matt – I do call him Matt – is not the person I thought he was. I have been trying to figure him out for the past week.

Matt – “Let’s get some food, warm ourselves up.”
Jade – “Thank you for buying me food Matt.”
Matt – “No biggie. I love helping a friend.”

We hang out together, just him and I; but he pushes me away when I try to get close to him.

Jade – “Your hands are cold.”
Matt – “Noooo… don’t.”

He calls me to talk;

Jade – “No wait, wait… I’m not here to see you. I just want a latte.”

but dislikes it when I see him at his job… even if I just happen to pass by… casually…

Jade – “But since I’m here, wanna hang out after work?”

not meaning anything other than getting some coffee… I do have some money left from the work I did at the orphanage…

Man whose face we cannot see – “Is the chair occupied?”
Jade – ” Oh no. You may take all the chair you like, I’m just here to see Matt. But hey! Don’t tell anyone. Is supposed to be a secret.”

And talking about that. I want to have a moment in this journal to praise myself for finding a job…. of sorts. I have been painting and selling my art to collectors. What can I say? People like to collect weird things.

I was able to buy me a bed and now I can sleep in a mattress. My mattress.

Without a roof. Okay. Moving on.

I have to tell you dear pages of this journal that I am very much heart broken. That Matthew seems to have a problem I can’t fix.

Jade – “Look Matt, that’s the house I want to build in the lot. I just want a big place for a big family.”
Matt – “I don’t have time today to look at that stuff.”

One day he is my friend, the next, he is pushing me away like I’m a leper.

Jade – “Oh. Sorry.”

March 1, 2020

Today was an awesome day. I just got abducted by aliens.

No I am not crazy.

March 12, 2020

Love is in the air!!!

Matt loves me.

He does.

After he told me to leave him alone that one time when I was NOT stalking him at the coffee shop, I decided to do just that.

Matt – “Bros till we drop.”

I now understand I can’t force people to like me. Did I ever really questioned that? Don’t answer, I’m just thinking out loud. On paper.

Jade – “I don’t know about this…”
Matt – “Come on man. I’m very good, just follow my lead.”

We have been hanging out again. Just the two of us.

Last night we went for Kareoke. He is really good I have to say. I suck.

Background older woman we cannot see – “Aw! You both are so adorable. Let me snap a photo for our members wall.”
Jade – “Let’s take a selfie.”

He seems to be needing a friend, a female friend. I have to be there for him, if not as his lover, then as his friend. Because I do want to know him better. Understand him. Just like I would want others to try and understand me. Get to know me. Like me. Possibly.

Life is strange. I thought all I wanted was to avenge my father and take back the family name. But all I want NOW, is to be with Matthew.

Jade – “Matthew!”

It all started with him coming to visit me. I ran to greet him. I couldn’t help it.

Matt – “So can we squash the past and move on?”
Jade – “For sure.”

He apologized for having been a prick in the past. I quickly forgave him. I hope it wasn’t too quick.

We hugged.

Today we had a toast to our friendship.

Jade – “May our friendship lasts beyond the grave.”
Matt – “That’s a bit too scary, but sure…”

Tomorrow we go Downtown. Matt said he wanted to show me around. So many places to go, so many things to see, all I want is to be with him.

Aw…. that rhymed. And i’m feeling silly.

Good night dear pages of this journal. Until we meet again.

P.S. When we were toasting to our friendship, Mathew looked at me intensely. I wonder what that look was about…



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